74

I'm blissfully happy and want to tell you, however you're not online, nor are you by my side.
So for now I'll pocket this happiness to keep it safe, and show it to you when you can be there to join me in it.

42

Why did you look as if you were about to cry.
Why did the way you spoke send my heart into my mouth.
What have I done to you.
"I heard this great one liner..."
"Oh really?"
"Yeah... There's this guy, and he really liked this girl, but she wouldn't go out with him..."
"Oh..."
"But she knew he liked her."
"Uh huh..."
"But anyways, apparently she did something really nice for him."
"Yeah?"
"Yeah... But I dunno what, but anyways, he said about it afterwards,
'Thank you, you'll be in my dreams tonight', and she just goes, 'But I'll only end up giving you nightmares.'
And he said, 'Who says I'm gonna be asleep?'"
"Wait... If it's a dream but he's not asleep..."
"It's a fantasy."
"Oh."
"Goodnight."

Never have I met a man so raw as you.
Never have I been in the presence of a man so young and yet wise.
I could see the burden upon your shoulders.
You were unhappy, and even now, you still are.
Your presence... It is...
You're...
Words fail me.
You are in one breathe indecipherable, and in the other, I understand you more than I think you know.
Although... Once you let me in. Almost.
Perhaps you saw more of my understanding than I had thought.
You are not accustomed to love.
And yet, you handle it with more open arms than I had the desire to.
I crushed it, you sought after it.
Perhaps that is why your eyes brimmed at the edges.
Perhaps that is what I should have seen.
With so many similarities, I failed to remember the most fragile of difference between you and I.
Perhaps I would not be writing about you now, had I remembered them.
You thought I would do more than understand, didn't you?
You thought...
I'm sorry.
You are strong for everyone.
Is there no one to be strong for you?
I hate to see you in pain, but even more, I hate to have that sickening feeling, knowing that I am the cause of a piece of it.
I could not mend your heart, for you would only alight the parts of mine that had grown to destroy these fragile things.
You would have been my vulnerable downfall.
I only feel remorse that I could not be there for you, that my mind no longer had the strength to return to the life I once was so accustomed to.
I am only sorry you and I did not know each other when younger.
Perhaps our burdens would have seemed lighter.
Perhaps I could have mended you, rather than unintentionally add to an already suffering self.
I wish someone who could help you, would see how you really are.
I wish someone actually gave enough of a fuck to see that you're not doing OK, you're not happy, and things are not fine.
I'll try to do what I can, but I know I am not who you want to talk to.
Once perhaps, but then I became a part of the problem.
Then I just got too close.

41

You know what?
You mean something to ME.
And yeah I know, things are hard, and right now, you can't see any other way out.
But look at me.
Look at just how uncontrollable I get when I think of you not being here anymore.
Look at how furious, how afraid I become when I think of you not breathing, when I think you not being there to text at night, to hug in the day, to smile at silently when your voice rises.
Life is hard.
Life is cruel, and you know what?
With each beautiful pulse you feel, life fucks you up.
Life takes every scrap of your innocence, and crushes it, it renders your body, and your soul, and your heart to a  memory of what it once was.
But you can't let it forever.
You've gotta see, that while this life is cruel, and while this life is dark, in it every single day, there is beauty.
And yeah, I know, right now, you don't wanna see that.
Heck, right now, you can't.
Right now all you can feel is your broken heart, your young soul, and your heavy shoulders.
Right now all you feel is the blood gushing through your veins, and the thoughts traversing past your eyes.
And know what?
I'm not gonna say it's selfish, Because... Because I've been there.
I've been there.
I've lied on my stomach, on my bed, going through the easiest ways to do it.
I know that, when we beg for you to hear us, all you can feel is hollow words.
Nothing is real, nothing is perceived as warmth.
Life is cold. Life is numb. Life... life is better off without you.
But listen to me.
That?
That is your shattered soul speaking.
That is the deepest moment of isolated darkness, that you can let crush you, or you can move past.
In this life, in this beautiful fucked up life; nothing lasts forever.
Nothing hurts forever, and the past never returns.
But, You do this?
You do this?
You will never get the chance to see that.
You will have chosen a dark forever.
You will have broken my heart, and so many others, and me telling you that I love you, will do nothing.
I love you.
Don't do this.
Don't break my heart.
This life... It is cruel, and I know you don't know how to be with it yet.
I know you're not there yet.
But please, listen to me.
Cruelty is not all there is.
Sometimes the most beautiful things in life, are just the mere fact it exists.
Just the mere fact that my pulse races every time I hear a certain song, that my skin goes cold for just a few seconds when I feel vulnerable, that I can never help but smile when I feel the sun on my hands, and I think,
"This may not have been."
The fact that 3 years ago, I almost ended everything.
I almost gave up what it was to feel my skin pressed against a keyboard, my warm breath passing through my lips, my legs crossed across each other, gently swaying to music.
I almost gave this up.
I thought there was nothing.
And this is what you're contemplating.
You're not just ending your misery.
You're ending what it is to be human.
What it is to feel and to see and to smell and to taste and to touch.
You are giving up the most unappreciated delicate moments in which you realize,
"This is what it means to be alive."
You are giving up what it is for you to exist, this very second.
You're giving up the sounds you hear, the things that make you smile when nothing else can, the memories that  haunt you so silently but sweetly, the feel of the sun upon your face, and water upon your neck, the taste of coffee on a cold morning, the eyes of a beautiful stranger as you walk by, the smile after a kiss.
You're giving up the feel of cold tiles in the morning, the promise of dreams, the escape of films, the beauty of art, the liberation of running.
Just... running.
With the wind wrapping itself so tightly across your neck, with the rain pelting down upon your spine, and your feet just slamming, one after another on cold damp ground.
You're not only deeming it all dark, but you're giving up everything that is so delicately, so indescribably, so imperfectly; beautiful.
You are letting the darkness take you.
You are saying goodbye to the future.
You are saying goodbye to me.
Please.
You have no idea just how much you mean to so many people.
Don't do this.