42

Why did you look as if you were about to cry.
Why did the way you spoke send my heart into my mouth.
What have I done to you.
"I heard this great one liner..."
"Oh really?"
"Yeah... There's this guy, and he really liked this girl, but she wouldn't go out with him..."
"Oh..."
"But she knew he liked her."
"Uh huh..."
"But anyways, apparently she did something really nice for him."
"Yeah?"
"Yeah... But I dunno what, but anyways, he said about it afterwards,
'Thank you, you'll be in my dreams tonight', and she just goes, 'But I'll only end up giving you nightmares.'
And he said, 'Who says I'm gonna be asleep?'"
"Wait... If it's a dream but he's not asleep..."
"It's a fantasy."
"Oh."
"Goodnight."

Never have I met a man so raw as you.
Never have I been in the presence of a man so young and yet wise.
I could see the burden upon your shoulders.
You were unhappy, and even now, you still are.
Your presence... It is...
You're...
Words fail me.
You are in one breathe indecipherable, and in the other, I understand you more than I think you know.
Although... Once you let me in. Almost.
Perhaps you saw more of my understanding than I had thought.
You are not accustomed to love.
And yet, you handle it with more open arms than I had the desire to.
I crushed it, you sought after it.
Perhaps that is why your eyes brimmed at the edges.
Perhaps that is what I should have seen.
With so many similarities, I failed to remember the most fragile of difference between you and I.
Perhaps I would not be writing about you now, had I remembered them.
You thought I would do more than understand, didn't you?
You thought...
I'm sorry.
You are strong for everyone.
Is there no one to be strong for you?
I hate to see you in pain, but even more, I hate to have that sickening feeling, knowing that I am the cause of a piece of it.
I could not mend your heart, for you would only alight the parts of mine that had grown to destroy these fragile things.
You would have been my vulnerable downfall.
I only feel remorse that I could not be there for you, that my mind no longer had the strength to return to the life I once was so accustomed to.
I am only sorry you and I did not know each other when younger.
Perhaps our burdens would have seemed lighter.
Perhaps I could have mended you, rather than unintentionally add to an already suffering self.
I wish someone who could help you, would see how you really are.
I wish someone actually gave enough of a fuck to see that you're not doing OK, you're not happy, and things are not fine.
I'll try to do what I can, but I know I am not who you want to talk to.
Once perhaps, but then I became a part of the problem.
Then I just got too close.