13

To feel content, happy, at peace. Where does it derive from?
Where does contentment grow from? And equally, contempt?
Is it the limits and requirements we set out desires upon, or is it the continuation or destruction of the surroundings we now find ourselves in?
I am, at this moment, sitting in an Ag Science Class, not caring about "identifying different silage quality" to such extremities even I wonder what generates such distaste.
In short, legs crossed under a lab table, hands pressed against cold surface, listening to a pen scratch across a white board; I am not content.
"Step 7: Leave for a period of time."
What is it that fuels the drive within to feel contempt, content, happiness, insecurity, and claustrophobia?
Why do we grow to feel these? Why do we act on these, consciously or sub-consciously?
Why do we allow minute glitches to end all forms of content, however briefly?
Why am I no longer content?
Is it preparation for a fall? Distance before a hit?
Or is it merely the reasoning, "With great things come even worse things."
Or perhaps it is merely just innate. Instinctual. Compulsive.
Push away. Distance. Detach.
Perhaps I am still too unwilling to face governing factors of both protection, and hindrance.
The matter at hand is that my governing glitches, are hindrances not only to myself, but to others.
It is a continuous strain to appease myself and others, all the while struggling against governing instinctual calls.
"Sensitive, but may present a tough exterior."
My happiness, or, contentment does not appear to necessarily rely on things, but oddly, it seems to thrive upon the moments I relinquish all control.
Hence, when instincts and unignorable ones at that, resurface and govern, I am left silent, "Distanced", "Heartless," "Emotionally dead"... On the exterior of course.
I am incapable of doing so in honesty.
I am merely a good liar, to both others, and myself.
Is that to say I "emotionally lie" for instinctual protective means? Or to merely detach from individuals, and the possibility of losing something, rather than letting it go.
Do I distance for fear of how much something means to me, before it can mean more?
Do I merely need someone to be forceful and stubborn enough to insist upon connection? Someone who is ignorant of "ice"?
Do I distance for belief than no one cares enough to trek the space generated, to pull me back, rather than suffocate and leave me restricted?
Or perhaps I am just not allowed distance.
Or, perhaps my social nature, flaws or faults may be hindrances to all others, and contrast to far.
Too many questions, not enough answers.