30

I want to write to you.
Actually, I want to write a letter for you, that I will never send.
I want to... I want to say it out loud, what you've been brave enough to say.
I... You're so much braver than I am. Even though this scares you just as much as it does me.
You... Even though sometimes your hands shake, even though sometimes you go quiet, even though sometimes when were pulled close together, you whisper to me that you're scared, that you're fucking terrified... You still...
You're still brave enough to tell me how you feel.
You're still brave enough to reach for my hand, rather than me reaching for yours.
You're still brave enough, even though this scares you, to speak in the moments of silence I hide in.
I... I've lost all choice in this.
I can't push you away, I can't go cold, I can't detach.
You're in my life now. You're... You actually matter.
You mean something.
And that scares me.
You scare me sometimes... Fuck. You fucking terrify me sometimes.
You really, really fucking terrify me.
And only because you mean so much. Only because I know, I fucking know that we're gonna hurt each other one day, and right now, we've both lost the capability to prevent that.
We've both tried, and failed to detach.
And now we're here.
And I actually miss you.
Fucking hell, I miss you.
And... that's saying something, Because... me? I don't miss anyone.
I don't need anyone.
People matter but... I can be without them.
But, I miss you.
I find myself smiling at you when you talk, when you're arm reaches across my waist, when you say so brazenly;
"I was going to kiss her. Thanks for ruining the moment."
I find myself wondering where you are. I feel... happier when you're there.
And... I feel a little bit more unsteady when you're there, only because I actually give a damn that you're there.
I feel safe with you.
I feel... secure, and happy, and... you make me smile so fucking much.

You're my closest friend, and I trust you with everything.
Fuck... You're more than my closest friend, and I trust you enough to say that.
I trust you enough, to be so complete and utterly vulnerable with you.
I trust you enough to give you that power, to crush me.
I trust you, and adore you oh so much, for just how you, you are.
Thank you, for being so fucking terrifyingly you, and being the person that I could be so terrifyingly me with.
Thank you, for making me see the world I'd eradicated with all defenses, all promises, all vows of protection.
Thank you, for being so fucking terrifyingly wonderful.