17

Today... Today it was finally sunny, and I felt so distant that even I could notice it.
But... it was OK. Just... standing outside, digging my toes into pebbles, feeling the sun on my chest and my forehead, and it was OK that I didn't feel like as if I was there.
It was OK to feel like I'd left this world for longer than I'd thought I could.
It was OK that... this time, It didn't hurt, it didn't end anything, nor did it inflict upon my thoughts.
I just... I just haven't been here in a while.
My feet are removed from the ground until a smile or a chord brings me home. The only thing that seems to hurt me lately is when people demand I come back home, when they tell me this isn't who I am, even though... I would surely know myself best.
I'm tired.
I'm tired of being told I amn't good enough, I'm tired of being told that I must be who I was, not who I grow to be.
And ... The people who worry, take that as a sign of too much, so ... I merely need to filter myself, take time, and space, and ... leave earth for a while.
Today... When do you define a day as being complete?
Mine tend to drift off into 4am of the next day..
I had a few odd thoughts today... From what I can remember?
One) I seem to miss few things, if ever.
Two) I am becoming my father.
Three) The difference is, I choose not to be.
Four) My mother is lonely.
Five) My sister is lonely.
Six) 6 billion people in the world so often feel lonely, despite the fact there are so many of us. They say the lonely are awake at night, and I've found, that is when most people are online. Is that to say that among 6 billion, because we are not forced to communicate, we wish to do so more? But we are crippled by rejection or judgement we refrain from taking that extra step?
Is it to say that we trust so few, that we find loneliness the easier option rather than a "Hello?"
Do we push away others, not because we don't trust them, not because we dislike them, But because we're afraid of needing them so much? We're afraid of trusting someone completely, and letting someone in, that before we no longer have a choice, we push them out?
I think too many of us choose loneliness before a broken heart.
I think we make the wrong choice.

Today didn't feel real.
Today, I don't feel real.